Wiawaka House

I'm on a late plane from Baltimore to Atlanta. Eight hours ago I was on a Victorian porch in upstate New York doing an interview for CBS about a women veterans retreat. I had been before but it had been at least 2 years. The last time I was standing on the porch with my best friend Michele of 25 years. I could not have made it without her being there. I was very deeply depressed and just seeing her smiling face brought me so much joy.
I'm devouring mini pretzels now and drinking ginger ale out of habit. It's late and I'm ok that I'm 30,000 feet. One of the flight attendants recognized me and said he's seen me "fly quite a bit". It's funny to me. Fifteen flights in the last few months. That's not counting Delta and Southwest. I'm not bragging but rejoicing and saying hallelujah! Another area of my life I'm taking charge of and being successful. I make my flights on time now. I no longer "no show" and have to reschedule. I no longer lock myself in the airplane bathroom until the flight lands because of an anxiety attack. I don't have to consistently take anti anxiety pills when I fly, travel leave the house, for that matter.
Now this all has something to do with Wiawaka house. It was the first place I cried in a public open forum
Group setting that was not "clinically induced." it was the first time I stepped out from behind my "security blanket" (my laptop) and allowed myself to
Become a contributor and recognized how much contributing was a healing salve for me. It was a safe environment and although I may have been in them before I never sensed the safety there. I was always on the "run" emotionally. I learned to be in a group of people and be ok with the fact and not be searching for an exit or sitting near the exit so I didn't have to engage or see people's faces.
I read a poem I wrote to the veteran women there while I was on the flight to Albany NY. It expressed my feelings about my "veteran status" the perks and non perks that come along with that.
I came this year and made new friends and to see Reverend Penny. She is a Facebook friend who has been a good phone friend and now an in person friend. It was super seeing her and meeting the 12 other ladies who came
from the city of NY. She brought NY company! Lol it was good to meet all the women from other areas and connect with the facilitators from Creative healing connections.
We made history time and time again this week. We set precedence time and time again and I believe veterans and their families in NY will be the better for it. I believe Wiawaka House and Lake George will be better for it. I know that I am better.

Beauty for the mundane

Tonight I hear crickets nighttime melodies and feel music vibrations ripple and bounce off the lake while pinpoint lights flicker in the distance.
I am here at a Lake in Upstate New York and its beautiful. I am here in a Victorian house from the 1800's and it's beauty is breathtaking. There is no "AC" and I don't know if there is a TV. The windows are open and the crisp air is reminiscent of a simplier time. Even this post may have difficulty getting through to some "wifi."
I am here with 20 or so women veterans. Many whom I know from Facebook and this is my first time meeting them "face to face". I am giddy, tickled, girlish juvenile while talking to each one and treating them with a big hug.
I'm just happy to be alive. Alive! Having feelings! ALL of them. The boring day to day ones the "special occasion" ones. I'm glad I'm getting to experience them ALL- even triggers and anxiety from PTS. Yep even those. My life has so much value to me partly because I get to see others enjoy their lives and I get to soak it up and feel it all. Just being in others lives while they go through the "mundane" experiencing life in the day to day things that we take for granted. I can't take any of it for granted there are so many who will never get to feel this. Never get to know what it's like to have all the feelings I'm speaking of. The color of their lives has been stripped away because of the depression and PTS and there are too few to step in "professionally" to help.
Peer support has been the non professional support that has sustained me when the professionals had given up on me when I didn't meet their statistics for their reports. These women veteran have been the scaffolding which kept me alive and encouraged when I couldn't encourage myself. I am here tonight both in present state and present place because "day to day" someone posted and reposted silly pictures jokes events and helped me build a community of support which has supported quite a few and me in the process.
It's early and quiet. All the laughter and chatter has subsided. I have warm tears of joy. How awesome is knowing that I am in a safe space where I am loved and appreciated especially by awesome talented veteran women. I can not "cash" this or equate it to a monetary amount (kabillion) but I can bask in the beauty of this moment.