Are all things fully "considered"

I want to be mad I want to flail my arms kick and scream! I want to cry and say how UNFAIR life has been for me- but I can't. Its true - a truth- in the midst of other things going on.
We had a big "pow wow" today. I realize that I kept a lot in (past non disclosures) but I also told a lot. During that time in my life I was afraid- I was angry and no one could help me- or be
willing to.
I see and hear the apologetic words and wavering voices sorrowful for past infractions of faithful friendship, relationship and family. Most times I hear the silence of knowing what was wrong and how to correct it and no one moving toward "corrective action."
I waver emotionally blowing swirling in the wind of past present and future. I am none of those things fully but the sum of them all.
Waffle and chicken wings in mild sauce - that was my "dinner" I am aching physically and literally please God don't let this foolishness be the end of me.

Wisconsin State Women Veteran

Please support our women veteran organizations by participating in events in your local or regional area. Make a point to become the change you seek through networking and meeting veteran women from all over the country.


http://dva.state.wi.us/Docs/ExpoFlyerSept2012.pdf

https://wiswomenvetsexpo.eventbrite.com/?nomo=1

Women Veteran prayer breakfast

I'm a "do it big or go home" kinda person who likes to be a part of the picture but not THE picture. I'm happy enjoying the joy of others lives and get a kick out of seeing people's dreams realized. I also like to walk around in my "jams" (pajamas) and blog or update statuses from my king sized bed. I'm NOT complicated but I do like what I like and bristle at what I don't.
I went to an event on Saturday for veteran women and I was pleased beyond measure. I mean Dr. T did it up for veteran women. Veteran women were running the event, speaking MC showcasing their products and just plain "getting it done." I am so in awe at how each woman has found her niche area and is working in her community in her own way.
I was so enthusiastic about the event I went to the veteran and told her personally how impressive the event was and my experience there.
I also got to hug Shoshanna and have her sign the book she authored with Mary Doyle- who also signed my copy of her book. One of my running buddies Gayle, a retired Army major, went with me. We had a ball!
We need to support events going on in our community which recognize veteran women in a positive light.
I also realized that we fail or don't have ultimate successes because we don't engage our best assets in our community. It's a mentality that "I can do this" on my own. I like collaborating and not dictatorship. Each organization bring their own stuff to the table and it indelibly makes the sum total of the whole that much more .

Wiawaka House

I'm on a late plane from Baltimore to Atlanta. Eight hours ago I was on a Victorian porch in upstate New York doing an interview for CBS about a women veterans retreat. I had been before but it had been at least 2 years. The last time I was standing on the porch with my best friend Michele of 25 years. I could not have made it without her being there. I was very deeply depressed and just seeing her smiling face brought me so much joy.
I'm devouring mini pretzels now and drinking ginger ale out of habit. It's late and I'm ok that I'm 30,000 feet. One of the flight attendants recognized me and said he's seen me "fly quite a bit". It's funny to me. Fifteen flights in the last few months. That's not counting Delta and Southwest. I'm not bragging but rejoicing and saying hallelujah! Another area of my life I'm taking charge of and being successful. I make my flights on time now. I no longer "no show" and have to reschedule. I no longer lock myself in the airplane bathroom until the flight lands because of an anxiety attack. I don't have to consistently take anti anxiety pills when I fly, travel leave the house, for that matter.
Now this all has something to do with Wiawaka house. It was the first place I cried in a public open forum
Group setting that was not "clinically induced." it was the first time I stepped out from behind my "security blanket" (my laptop) and allowed myself to
Become a contributor and recognized how much contributing was a healing salve for me. It was a safe environment and although I may have been in them before I never sensed the safety there. I was always on the "run" emotionally. I learned to be in a group of people and be ok with the fact and not be searching for an exit or sitting near the exit so I didn't have to engage or see people's faces.
I read a poem I wrote to the veteran women there while I was on the flight to Albany NY. It expressed my feelings about my "veteran status" the perks and non perks that come along with that.
I came this year and made new friends and to see Reverend Penny. She is a Facebook friend who has been a good phone friend and now an in person friend. It was super seeing her and meeting the 12 other ladies who came
from the city of NY. She brought NY company! Lol it was good to meet all the women from other areas and connect with the facilitators from Creative healing connections.
We made history time and time again this week. We set precedence time and time again and I believe veterans and their families in NY will be the better for it. I believe Wiawaka House and Lake George will be better for it. I know that I am better.

Beauty for the mundane

Tonight I hear crickets nighttime melodies and feel music vibrations ripple and bounce off the lake while pinpoint lights flicker in the distance.
I am here at a Lake in Upstate New York and its beautiful. I am here in a Victorian house from the 1800's and it's beauty is breathtaking. There is no "AC" and I don't know if there is a TV. The windows are open and the crisp air is reminiscent of a simplier time. Even this post may have difficulty getting through to some "wifi."
I am here with 20 or so women veterans. Many whom I know from Facebook and this is my first time meeting them "face to face". I am giddy, tickled, girlish juvenile while talking to each one and treating them with a big hug.
I'm just happy to be alive. Alive! Having feelings! ALL of them. The boring day to day ones the "special occasion" ones. I'm glad I'm getting to experience them ALL- even triggers and anxiety from PTS. Yep even those. My life has so much value to me partly because I get to see others enjoy their lives and I get to soak it up and feel it all. Just being in others lives while they go through the "mundane" experiencing life in the day to day things that we take for granted. I can't take any of it for granted there are so many who will never get to feel this. Never get to know what it's like to have all the feelings I'm speaking of. The color of their lives has been stripped away because of the depression and PTS and there are too few to step in "professionally" to help.
Peer support has been the non professional support that has sustained me when the professionals had given up on me when I didn't meet their statistics for their reports. These women veteran have been the scaffolding which kept me alive and encouraged when I couldn't encourage myself. I am here tonight both in present state and present place because "day to day" someone posted and reposted silly pictures jokes events and helped me build a community of support which has supported quite a few and me in the process.
It's early and quiet. All the laughter and chatter has subsided. I have warm tears of joy. How awesome is knowing that I am in a safe space where I am loved and appreciated especially by awesome talented veteran women. I can not "cash" this or equate it to a monetary amount (kabillion) but I can bask in the beauty of this moment.

Thanksgiving

Its been a long time but I got to see my girlfriend from the military. We met in basic and were stationed at AIT (roomates) and again at our permanent duty stations of Zweibrueken and Miesau. Im writing about the event of staying at her home for a week (something I just dont do). I was nervous and completely out of sorts about going.  Hewever I had a lovely time.  She has never met my daughter Cerra and enjoyed how much Cerra reminded her of my younger self.  I took my dog, Chico, he too was welcomed and loved on for the whole week. The time went by so quickly. There were no paprika incidents (the subject dedicated to a chapter in a book) and I did not "hide" in the bathroom not once. My friend has been so forgiving of me over the years and loved me inspite of myself.  I know its not easy and I appreciate her for allowing me to bring ALL of me to her home and stay. Now, I say all that to say I had many revelations about myself, and what I really want in my life. I realized that its easy to just be around those who love you unconditionally and want the best for you however the grit and the fight of life is not like that. So I understand that in order to win over the grit and fight of life you need people close by to support you while you are scrapping while you go through and you need to be honest enough with them so that they can be there for you during those times.
I am sitting here today thinking about my little neices voice saying she is thankful for Cerra and Chico etc. I am thinking about seeing my daughter run with Chico in the backyard or write in the sand at the lake. I thought about the laughter all of us shared in that week, enough to heal the nations. I started thinking about how much favor, love and grace I have had in my life. I mean I have needed it probably more than others.  I am thankful for those people in my life who love and dislike me. I wouldnt know what true love was if there weren't any haters. I am thankful for those who chose to be indifferent with me because those who gave me a hug, or told me it would be alright had my full attention. I am thankful for the military service that showed me life and people could be committed to my well being or committed to their well being at my expense. I learned, in my life both the pros and cons of life so that I can look at life's sistuations with more perspective.  Oral Roberts said one time speaking to a congregation I was in fellowship with, that if you end your time and have a close friend you have more than most but if you come to a point and find you have more close friends than that you are truely wealthy. By gosh! Warren Buffet has nothing on me. I am fortunate to have some very compassionate, talented and intelligent people in my circle of friends.  I am not perfect Im just me. They accept me for who I am and for that I am thankful.
I won't wait again to tell others what I am thankful for about them or the relationship I have with them. I found out there is a special blessing for "appreciating" others.  Maybe if we told more people what we appreciated about them every single day there could be less of what we don't appreciate in the world. I don't pretend to have all the answers but today I do have all the appreciation in the world. I appreciate you reading this and believe that it will spark a deeper intrest. Thank you

Better Late than never- Veterans Day Afterthought

I am deeply triggered today and strongly disassociating. I recognized this only after reflecting about my little Chico howling and whimpering at me last night and today. I kept telling him that I was ok and he was ok but that wasn’t enough. Even as I left my building today I could hear him howling and yipping, even as I left the apartment complex. I went back twice to check to see if he was hurt or injured in some way. He wasn’t but I later realized... I was. I realized it after I was leaving the VA today. Why did I think I had an appointment there today of all days. I realized it as I went to deposit money into the bank. Something I VERY RARELY do but today I went there aimlessly. I had PROMISED a very dear friend I was coming by and purposely put it off until later then got LOST going there-three times. I drove around aimlessly and under 35mph. For those of you who have driven with me you know I walk like I drive. Lets get there and get there now! No dilly dally for me. I felt as in quantum theory in multiple dimensions at once, like that star trek episode where the future and past Enterprise were all in one place at the same time. It hurt immensely on multiple planes; emotional, physical, spiritual, etc and on different levels within those planes. I am still reeling.

Today is Veteran’s Day and I have mixed feelings. My mixed feelings come from being IN the military and serving as a female Veteran. I stayed away from commonplaces today not because I wanted to be alone but because I didn’t want to have to answer THE questions. The first question, you know the question Veteran women, the one everyone asks when you are celebrating Veterans Day. Did your husband serve? Your dad, uncle, cousin, boyfriend, neighbor, teacher, and friend anyone but YOU serve? I mean really how are we to respond to the questions and looks when they happen? Its hard to overlook being overlooked.

Again I say, (verily verily to some of you reading) I have mixed feelings. In my heart I want to go out amongst the people on this day and relish in the recognition. However, I know that although this day is called Veterans Day, I feel, like many veteran women, the recognition is more about men veterans and their service than women veterans. Again it’s about me being a woman and my service in the military and now my veteran status.

Even while I served I was (mis)-treated differently. After my rapes and sexual harassments I was even more “systemically differentiated”. I’m not the only one. I don’t want you to believe that is true. What remains true are these feelings and wanting so much to contribute to something bigger than myself to be “all that I could be.” Just like the commercials said when they were enticing me to go to the recruiter. Just like the recruiters said when they were enticing me to join. Just like the drill sergeants said when they deconstructed my thinking to believe everything they said was and would be forever true. Just like my assailants said when their attention turned from supporting me to screwing me literally and figuratively.

Again I say, (verily verily to some of you reading) I have mixed feelings. In my heart I want to go out amongst the people on this day and relish in the recognition. However, I know that although this day is called Veterans Day, I feel, like many veteran women, the recognition is more about men veterans and their service than women veterans. Again it’s about me being a woman and my service in the military and now my veteran status. ( FYI I meant to say this again)

In the general population is easy to think the civilians don’t understand. What do I do when I go to the Veterans Administration’s hospital and get asked the same types of questions? Are you the service member? It seems an innocuous question and one which requires a simple answer. However this question just adds to the diaspora of the American Veteran woman. We’re two million plus strong. However it’s very difficult to find us. I mean I know where to find “US” But when scouring through the indiscriminate faces in the general population or on Facebook, Twitter, Ning, Linked In, etc on any day other than a Veteran’s Day or the week before Veterans Day we seem nowhere to be found. When going to the grocers, your local school, the local department store, can YOU find the GI Jane’s working behind the scenes with a slight regimented step to our injured right left and immense precision while working behind the scenes searching out some arena of peace and recompense in the world which we chose to defend by military service? Didn’t think so. Add to the mix the common pretense that not serving in combat removes you from “veteran status” and we lose generations of women who served, in one way or another back thru WWII. As a side note I am reading through a book called “Battle Cries and Lullabies” by Dr. DePauw which sheds a great amount of historically documented light on women in war. She is an Emeritus Professor who studied and taught women’s history at The George Washington. The detail is astounding and now I know why every strong woman who tells the truth to other women is silenced through some typified strong armed abuse. That topic is for another blog.

The next question is always, “how was serving in the military?” I mean wtf. what.. do.. should.., how, I mean really how do I preface this to a total stranger who is curious and excited about hearing “women” in the military and what we got to do. I love computers and technology so I try to mention doing that and getting to shoot weapons etc. I usually say its like your very best day in life and your very worst day in life and then alternating those days with sleep and monotony. Of course I down play it because I don’t want to traumatize yet another generation. Yet I want to get on the loudspeaker and yell to the women shoppers don’t go in. Don’t leave your families and serve it’s a high price to pay. I want to yell make sure you have a mentor who has been in 10 years or more and has a positive career- seek them out to those who still want to go in the service. I want to say to them I love them please don’t tell your daughter that it’s ok to go into the military. Don’t let her go blindly into that “dark night”. Women die in that institution and not because of a mortar or IED but at the hands of other soldiers after they raped them. They are lying when they say 1 out of 3. 19000 every year are subjected to this treatment. No DOD numbers on the death toll because of it, however.

Next week that Facebook pages will change again. The recognition for service in our nation’s military will be replaced by turkeys and fall leaves. Christmas will be around round the corner and require trees to decorate and gifts to purchase. The women of past and present service will go about our daily lives deep within society living with the very feelings which are amplified for me today.

BriGette McCoy

Transitions Lenses

Understanding is an interesting thing. You may want or need more from a person, relationship, job, career but what happens when you don't or cant get it? I don't want my life to be obscured by the perception of truth. Teddy Pendegrass sung a song that said "its so good loving somebody and somebody loves you back" and that is true. However, there are times in our lives when that somebody doesn't love you, need you or want you or is too afraid to let themselves be in that vulnerable position. So what do you do with that? I don't know really different things work for different people. I've adopted the notion that I have transition lenses and they don't reflect the past, or hurt or insecurity to me only the future and the information or understanding of that information (processing) that will move me from where I was to where I am to where I am going to be.

Opening Up- for real real

opening up.. its cool. people need people.. thats why everyone so effed up they aint got nobody to just "love" them with out the bullsh*t and flossin or worryin about if they got to give or get sex. just someone to hear them and not think twice about what "place" in life they are in. What they have or dont have. Its a horrible place to be and not have anyone here on Earth that cares, for real. I know there are a lot of people that are out there like that. listening to Kid Cudi Day and nite lots of truth. I know we missed it cause we supposed to have everything we need but we keep sending people to someone else to help them. Heavenly or not. I just want the true truth. I just want the real real.
thanks for listening

Forgiveness and Prosody Tempest

I fully realize that without a doubt my faith has kept me. I fully understand that without some respect of hope and faith NO ONE will recover from any knowledge that has harmed them. Deep down inside is an inalienable desire to accomplish, to achieve to become. What we do not understand is that we already are what we hope to achieve. Even in the face of those that yell, beat, steal, lie and trick things from us that we did not wish to give.  What I have come to understand is that some, some of us, have the ability to emit an life effervescence so freely to the world. Then there are those who  TRY to take what they see in those who shine, only to hold an ephemeral and tainted mirage of the real thing. I forgive them freely and I forgive myself because the idea to trust is not wrong.  with that I am evolving again. 9 months of time have passed and so this season evolves prosody tempest.
I have to forgive because un-forgiveness was killing me, it was sucking me dry. The very light and life was  evaporating out of me in mass quantities. I have forgiven those named and unnamed faces that come before my eyes and cause me to shut them and still not get away from their faces. I have forgiven those who were my protectors and did not protect, those who used their position, titles and influence to gain from me in disguise what they could not have gotten from me even if they asked me.
Today I have to face my biggest battle which is to look at myself and say stop procrastinating, stop worrying about what someone will TAKE from you and get back in the process of giving.
Now, I ask for forgiveness from others because even though I have given I have held back one thing. Although throwing scraps from one time to another or spritzing you with a few words here and there I have absconded, been derelict in the duty to write. To write and share my writings was a charge given to me and I have ran, hid, and neglected this craft/gift with reckless abandon. That is changing.

Prosody Tempest

Sign Your name..

Im sitting in Starbucks trying to complete homework that was due like a year ago- literally and listening to a song that could have been a trigger a few years ago- remake of course of a song by Terrance Trent D'Arby- sign your name across my heart. This was a very popular song when I was in Germany during the  late 80's. I can't even imagine the totality of the sadness this song evokes. I am going to push through the strong aromas of coffee, chattering of others in this place and the music playing.  Its amazing the mind. Id like to study it more but for now I have to push through to complete this leg of my travels.

Pull the trigger

Why does one trauma effect your life so much and another cause no challenge at all? I found that for me it depended on what happened during the trauma my thoughts and feelings. I think that is the challenge with PTSD each person has different "specific" triggers while there may be lots of triggers that are the same across a group. certain spaces, certain touches, certain textures, certain looks, certain sounds, certain smells, certain tastes. Then you narrow it down to what specific.. well for me burning anything but especially flesh is a trigger- so burning or burnt bacon or meat can set me off in a few seconds. I live in the south and guess what- people LOVE burning their meat. I have friends and family from Louisiana who love to "blacken" stuff.  So now you can see why events where cooking out can cause me a challenge.

Forgiveness: This time

I think I get it now. About forgiveness. Its been hard but the forgiveness part has been a pebble in my shoe for years. Trying not to think about how I was treated or mistreated didn't help any. Putting the past behind me etc didn't work either. There was always a tempest brewing underneath underneath the calm reservoir of my personality.  From zero to "bitch" in six seconds although in my heart this was not how I wanted to be or be viewed but those buttons could be pushed so easily. I didn't realize that those buttons were triggers to trauma.

My boyfriend

My mom calls me from California and asks me of course, how I am doing and the children as well. She usually asks me before the end of the conversation how my boyfriend and I are doing. I usually laugh and say its the best relationship that I have had in a long time. After a year and a half of having "him" around and spending lots of time, I found that I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together. I take him with me and like to go places where we can share time together even when people are around.

Forgiveness:

Day by day I said. That is how I take the issue of forgiveness. I have both the world view and the religious view on forgiveness. I also have both on judgement as well. 

Would you serve a country with everything that you have even though that county had just recently 'given" you the legal right to be a person? Would you give a gift to a neighbor who repeatedly let their dog out that dug up your expensive plants. Could you envite to your home for holiday festivities the person who killed your only child who was enrolled to go to college this past fall? Would you? Could you? Could you see your rapist every day work with them and even serve with them during war time AND fight to defend them if they were in harms way?

See, for women and men who served in military uniform and are MST survivors it's amazing to me to even fathom forgiveness. Real forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that says I will go out of my way to make sure that you are ok, IN SPITE OF, what you did to me. I absolutely struggle with the 70 times 70 because I can not fathom being in the situation that many times and forgiving. Its hard for me. Sorry, its the truth at my present state. I am weak that way.  I have an area in me that says ok I can forgive for this and this but that over there it is too much.  My heart would like to be so kind and overlook the thousands and thousands of men and women who abused their position of authority. Willfully, purposely with intent to harm. (shudder).  I will have to revisit this later while you are waiting on me.. please read this former soldiers partial post. thanks

Living with PTSD

Jesse Schell: When games invade real life | Video on TED.com

Jesse Schell: When games invade real life | Video on TED.com

Gaming is going to revolutionize, education and learning for adult learners.
Next, when gaming invades
psychotherapy and medicine.

I am not alone-Reasons

I have some favorite songs that work on my imagination and help me to feel where I am going as I walk "blindly" through new places. Minnie Riperton- whom I believe left too young, had profound words that she sung from the album perfect angel- Reasons.  One line says that "the reason for my life is written in deep places." another says "the reasons can't be bought or sold". You could start at the beginning and go to the end and every line has major significance. Well to me at least.

A weekend of honor

This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend 3 days with an exceptional group of men and women on a weekend retreat sponsored by vets4vets.  This peer support group for veterans from OIF/OEF era service was the most well rounded and respectable coed group that I have participated in a while. As a veteran who has seen the ugly side of coed I had my reservations. The facilitation and structure of the program has a zero tolerance for anything less than the utmost respect for others. During this weekend I confidentially disclosed some of my darkest emotional challenges from my military service and my personal life. The healing part was that former Senior NCO's actually listened and heard me without discounting my trauma. It also was healing that these were both men and women who did not treat me differently after these disclosures. I was still welcomed as part of the "team" and own personal feelings and  input was not discounted!
I was absolutely anxious, as always, and absolutely uncertain even after I left. I didn't know what impact positive or negative this would have on me in the days to come. For once in a long time though, I FELT connected to a group of my peers both male and female and it felt good. No one should go through life not knowing what that feels like.

Forgiveness

A few years back when I was studing in Seminary (yes I said it) I found that I was always asking questions that the answers that were there were vague or not reassuring and so like most on quests I went out to study other groups of people and religions to see what things were similar and what things were different. I was hoping to find answers to things like why bad things happen to good people. or why the good die young. I couldn't accept that God needed another flower or that he was teaching people a lesson etc etc. I don't let my daughter experience a snake bite to teach her the lesson not to play with snakes. I know that some things happen because we were not paying attention and some things happen because people are just plain evil. Enough said. I find that through every religion and teaching there is something said about forgiveness and retribution for sins (or things done that were not approved of by the current time and group of people). I want to explore forgiveness because I am  finding in this time that people have done it a littl too much. What I mean is that when something is justifyably and inherently wrong and it breaks the law of your boundaries over and over why don't you or can't you say anything to the perp? I mean if your neighbor constantly nocks over your garden knome why is it a bad thing to ask them not to? I understand where the nations hostilities are brewing over from recently. It has been centuries of unjustices and collectively people are tired of it happening by the same perps. I think this is why so many have been building momentum on issues of justice. I could never get an answer to why the events of my past happened to me. I do know that although I will forgive ( because it hasnt happened yet) I still believe that the offenders should be subject to the judicial system and not some fairy tale land ideals that says just let them go free to do more harm to others.
With all that said the DOD has found that with all of their work towards reducing rape and sexual harassment in the military there is a 11% increase. Now that could be that more people are coming forward (both men and women) or that the way they gather their data is more accurate currently or that more people are experiencing these negative behaviors against them. What do you think about this? What could be done to better gather the most accurate data?

A Brand New Day

It's 2am a usual time for me to dust of the " ole" computer and say a few things about myself and what I am going throug. It's been more than a month and amazingly, I am still here. Could it be that I, like the many species, through adaptation, have become stronger so the uneccessary things of life won't bring me down? In a very strange way I started to think a out this process of PTSD becoming an adaptation- a mutation if you will. One that prepared and protected until a time of safety. Anyway, its not that far fetched a notion. As a matter of fact the initial biological changes are there for safety. What happens though when these devices are no longer needed and you are exhausted from all of the safety planning you have to do rechecking locks and alarms, checking children's bedrooms and windows, walking briskly, avoiding eye contact, and pretending to not "hear" people you don't know asking you questions. Yep, done them all and a few more not listed here. Well, when you get tired you can go through a process that allows you to "relearn" or learn how to NOT do these things. (smile) Right now I am in that process through counseling and CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. I know there is a stigma to seeking "help" for (whispering) mental health issues. Um, it's not communicable I can't spread "it" by touching or talking to someone nor will "it" rub off. I chose to hire a professional to help me with something I couldn't do myself. It's a brand new day for me.