Better Late than never- Veterans Day Afterthought

I am deeply triggered today and strongly disassociating. I recognized this only after reflecting about my little Chico howling and whimpering at me last night and today. I kept telling him that I was ok and he was ok but that wasn’t enough. Even as I left my building today I could hear him howling and yipping, even as I left the apartment complex. I went back twice to check to see if he was hurt or injured in some way. He wasn’t but I later realized... I was. I realized it after I was leaving the VA today. Why did I think I had an appointment there today of all days. I realized it as I went to deposit money into the bank. Something I VERY RARELY do but today I went there aimlessly. I had PROMISED a very dear friend I was coming by and purposely put it off until later then got LOST going there-three times. I drove around aimlessly and under 35mph. For those of you who have driven with me you know I walk like I drive. Lets get there and get there now! No dilly dally for me. I felt as in quantum theory in multiple dimensions at once, like that star trek episode where the future and past Enterprise were all in one place at the same time. It hurt immensely on multiple planes; emotional, physical, spiritual, etc and on different levels within those planes. I am still reeling.

Today is Veteran’s Day and I have mixed feelings. My mixed feelings come from being IN the military and serving as a female Veteran. I stayed away from commonplaces today not because I wanted to be alone but because I didn’t want to have to answer THE questions. The first question, you know the question Veteran women, the one everyone asks when you are celebrating Veterans Day. Did your husband serve? Your dad, uncle, cousin, boyfriend, neighbor, teacher, and friend anyone but YOU serve? I mean really how are we to respond to the questions and looks when they happen? Its hard to overlook being overlooked.

Again I say, (verily verily to some of you reading) I have mixed feelings. In my heart I want to go out amongst the people on this day and relish in the recognition. However, I know that although this day is called Veterans Day, I feel, like many veteran women, the recognition is more about men veterans and their service than women veterans. Again it’s about me being a woman and my service in the military and now my veteran status.

Even while I served I was (mis)-treated differently. After my rapes and sexual harassments I was even more “systemically differentiated”. I’m not the only one. I don’t want you to believe that is true. What remains true are these feelings and wanting so much to contribute to something bigger than myself to be “all that I could be.” Just like the commercials said when they were enticing me to go to the recruiter. Just like the recruiters said when they were enticing me to join. Just like the drill sergeants said when they deconstructed my thinking to believe everything they said was and would be forever true. Just like my assailants said when their attention turned from supporting me to screwing me literally and figuratively.

Again I say, (verily verily to some of you reading) I have mixed feelings. In my heart I want to go out amongst the people on this day and relish in the recognition. However, I know that although this day is called Veterans Day, I feel, like many veteran women, the recognition is more about men veterans and their service than women veterans. Again it’s about me being a woman and my service in the military and now my veteran status. ( FYI I meant to say this again)

In the general population is easy to think the civilians don’t understand. What do I do when I go to the Veterans Administration’s hospital and get asked the same types of questions? Are you the service member? It seems an innocuous question and one which requires a simple answer. However this question just adds to the diaspora of the American Veteran woman. We’re two million plus strong. However it’s very difficult to find us. I mean I know where to find “US” But when scouring through the indiscriminate faces in the general population or on Facebook, Twitter, Ning, Linked In, etc on any day other than a Veteran’s Day or the week before Veterans Day we seem nowhere to be found. When going to the grocers, your local school, the local department store, can YOU find the GI Jane’s working behind the scenes with a slight regimented step to our injured right left and immense precision while working behind the scenes searching out some arena of peace and recompense in the world which we chose to defend by military service? Didn’t think so. Add to the mix the common pretense that not serving in combat removes you from “veteran status” and we lose generations of women who served, in one way or another back thru WWII. As a side note I am reading through a book called “Battle Cries and Lullabies” by Dr. DePauw which sheds a great amount of historically documented light on women in war. She is an Emeritus Professor who studied and taught women’s history at The George Washington. The detail is astounding and now I know why every strong woman who tells the truth to other women is silenced through some typified strong armed abuse. That topic is for another blog.

The next question is always, “how was serving in the military?” I mean wtf. what.. do.. should.., how, I mean really how do I preface this to a total stranger who is curious and excited about hearing “women” in the military and what we got to do. I love computers and technology so I try to mention doing that and getting to shoot weapons etc. I usually say its like your very best day in life and your very worst day in life and then alternating those days with sleep and monotony. Of course I down play it because I don’t want to traumatize yet another generation. Yet I want to get on the loudspeaker and yell to the women shoppers don’t go in. Don’t leave your families and serve it’s a high price to pay. I want to yell make sure you have a mentor who has been in 10 years or more and has a positive career- seek them out to those who still want to go in the service. I want to say to them I love them please don’t tell your daughter that it’s ok to go into the military. Don’t let her go blindly into that “dark night”. Women die in that institution and not because of a mortar or IED but at the hands of other soldiers after they raped them. They are lying when they say 1 out of 3. 19000 every year are subjected to this treatment. No DOD numbers on the death toll because of it, however.

Next week that Facebook pages will change again. The recognition for service in our nation’s military will be replaced by turkeys and fall leaves. Christmas will be around round the corner and require trees to decorate and gifts to purchase. The women of past and present service will go about our daily lives deep within society living with the very feelings which are amplified for me today.

BriGette McCoy