Are all things fully "considered"

I want to be mad I want to flail my arms kick and scream! I want to cry and say how UNFAIR life has been for me- but I can't. Its true - a truth- in the midst of other things going on.
We had a big "pow wow" today. I realize that I kept a lot in (past non disclosures) but I also told a lot. During that time in my life I was afraid- I was angry and no one could help me- or be
willing to.
I see and hear the apologetic words and wavering voices sorrowful for past infractions of faithful friendship, relationship and family. Most times I hear the silence of knowing what was wrong and how to correct it and no one moving toward "corrective action."
I waver emotionally blowing swirling in the wind of past present and future. I am none of those things fully but the sum of them all.
Waffle and chicken wings in mild sauce - that was my "dinner" I am aching physically and literally please God don't let this foolishness be the end of me.

Transitions Lenses

Understanding is an interesting thing. You may want or need more from a person, relationship, job, career but what happens when you don't or cant get it? I don't want my life to be obscured by the perception of truth. Teddy Pendegrass sung a song that said "its so good loving somebody and somebody loves you back" and that is true. However, there are times in our lives when that somebody doesn't love you, need you or want you or is too afraid to let themselves be in that vulnerable position. So what do you do with that? I don't know really different things work for different people. I've adopted the notion that I have transition lenses and they don't reflect the past, or hurt or insecurity to me only the future and the information or understanding of that information (processing) that will move me from where I was to where I am to where I am going to be.

Opening Up- for real real

opening up.. its cool. people need people.. thats why everyone so effed up they aint got nobody to just "love" them with out the bullsh*t and flossin or worryin about if they got to give or get sex. just someone to hear them and not think twice about what "place" in life they are in. What they have or dont have. Its a horrible place to be and not have anyone here on Earth that cares, for real. I know there are a lot of people that are out there like that. listening to Kid Cudi Day and nite lots of truth. I know we missed it cause we supposed to have everything we need but we keep sending people to someone else to help them. Heavenly or not. I just want the true truth. I just want the real real.
thanks for listening

Forgiveness and Prosody Tempest

I fully realize that without a doubt my faith has kept me. I fully understand that without some respect of hope and faith NO ONE will recover from any knowledge that has harmed them. Deep down inside is an inalienable desire to accomplish, to achieve to become. What we do not understand is that we already are what we hope to achieve. Even in the face of those that yell, beat, steal, lie and trick things from us that we did not wish to give.  What I have come to understand is that some, some of us, have the ability to emit an life effervescence so freely to the world. Then there are those who  TRY to take what they see in those who shine, only to hold an ephemeral and tainted mirage of the real thing. I forgive them freely and I forgive myself because the idea to trust is not wrong.  with that I am evolving again. 9 months of time have passed and so this season evolves prosody tempest.
I have to forgive because un-forgiveness was killing me, it was sucking me dry. The very light and life was  evaporating out of me in mass quantities. I have forgiven those named and unnamed faces that come before my eyes and cause me to shut them and still not get away from their faces. I have forgiven those who were my protectors and did not protect, those who used their position, titles and influence to gain from me in disguise what they could not have gotten from me even if they asked me.
Today I have to face my biggest battle which is to look at myself and say stop procrastinating, stop worrying about what someone will TAKE from you and get back in the process of giving.
Now, I ask for forgiveness from others because even though I have given I have held back one thing. Although throwing scraps from one time to another or spritzing you with a few words here and there I have absconded, been derelict in the duty to write. To write and share my writings was a charge given to me and I have ran, hid, and neglected this craft/gift with reckless abandon. That is changing.

Prosody Tempest

Sign Your name..

Im sitting in Starbucks trying to complete homework that was due like a year ago- literally and listening to a song that could have been a trigger a few years ago- remake of course of a song by Terrance Trent D'Arby- sign your name across my heart. This was a very popular song when I was in Germany during the  late 80's. I can't even imagine the totality of the sadness this song evokes. I am going to push through the strong aromas of coffee, chattering of others in this place and the music playing.  Its amazing the mind. Id like to study it more but for now I have to push through to complete this leg of my travels.

My boyfriend

My mom calls me from California and asks me of course, how I am doing and the children as well. She usually asks me before the end of the conversation how my boyfriend and I are doing. I usually laugh and say its the best relationship that I have had in a long time. After a year and a half of having "him" around and spending lots of time, I found that I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together. I take him with me and like to go places where we can share time together even when people are around.

Forgiveness:

Day by day I said. That is how I take the issue of forgiveness. I have both the world view and the religious view on forgiveness. I also have both on judgement as well. 

Would you serve a country with everything that you have even though that county had just recently 'given" you the legal right to be a person? Would you give a gift to a neighbor who repeatedly let their dog out that dug up your expensive plants. Could you envite to your home for holiday festivities the person who killed your only child who was enrolled to go to college this past fall? Would you? Could you? Could you see your rapist every day work with them and even serve with them during war time AND fight to defend them if they were in harms way?

See, for women and men who served in military uniform and are MST survivors it's amazing to me to even fathom forgiveness. Real forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that says I will go out of my way to make sure that you are ok, IN SPITE OF, what you did to me. I absolutely struggle with the 70 times 70 because I can not fathom being in the situation that many times and forgiving. Its hard for me. Sorry, its the truth at my present state. I am weak that way.  I have an area in me that says ok I can forgive for this and this but that over there it is too much.  My heart would like to be so kind and overlook the thousands and thousands of men and women who abused their position of authority. Willfully, purposely with intent to harm. (shudder).  I will have to revisit this later while you are waiting on me.. please read this former soldiers partial post. thanks

Living with PTSD

A weekend of honor

This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend 3 days with an exceptional group of men and women on a weekend retreat sponsored by vets4vets.  This peer support group for veterans from OIF/OEF era service was the most well rounded and respectable coed group that I have participated in a while. As a veteran who has seen the ugly side of coed I had my reservations. The facilitation and structure of the program has a zero tolerance for anything less than the utmost respect for others. During this weekend I confidentially disclosed some of my darkest emotional challenges from my military service and my personal life. The healing part was that former Senior NCO's actually listened and heard me without discounting my trauma. It also was healing that these were both men and women who did not treat me differently after these disclosures. I was still welcomed as part of the "team" and own personal feelings and  input was not discounted!
I was absolutely anxious, as always, and absolutely uncertain even after I left. I didn't know what impact positive or negative this would have on me in the days to come. For once in a long time though, I FELT connected to a group of my peers both male and female and it felt good. No one should go through life not knowing what that feels like.

A Brand New Day

It's 2am a usual time for me to dust of the " ole" computer and say a few things about myself and what I am going throug. It's been more than a month and amazingly, I am still here. Could it be that I, like the many species, through adaptation, have become stronger so the uneccessary things of life won't bring me down? In a very strange way I started to think a out this process of PTSD becoming an adaptation- a mutation if you will. One that prepared and protected until a time of safety. Anyway, its not that far fetched a notion. As a matter of fact the initial biological changes are there for safety. What happens though when these devices are no longer needed and you are exhausted from all of the safety planning you have to do rechecking locks and alarms, checking children's bedrooms and windows, walking briskly, avoiding eye contact, and pretending to not "hear" people you don't know asking you questions. Yep, done them all and a few more not listed here. Well, when you get tired you can go through a process that allows you to "relearn" or learn how to NOT do these things. (smile) Right now I am in that process through counseling and CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. I know there is a stigma to seeking "help" for (whispering) mental health issues. Um, it's not communicable I can't spread "it" by touching or talking to someone nor will "it" rub off. I chose to hire a professional to help me with something I couldn't do myself. It's a brand new day for me.

PTJam'SD

Ok ok, a lot of people have been asking me what in the world PTjamS'D means. Well on a lighter note its like being "jammed" by PTSD. Slammed etc. Initially, it started out as a way for me and a sister supporter to get a good laugh. I thought about products which would be great product for me since I have PTSD we agreed that Pajamas with some type of versatility for indoor outdoor wear. etc Later on that week I was very challenged with some family and relationship issues which were making the fact that PTSD was there as well,  but much more complicated to deal with. I was in my pajama's late in the day, and struggling to get focused for an afternoon cup of "joe" (coffee for you non military types). My sister supporter was asking me to explain what I was going through and I thought about it and said it was PTjamS'D. Now when we are having a tough day if it is at all related to PTSD I usually say this. Mainly, because I can say it anywhere and it expresses very well how I am feeling, to her at least. I'm physically (or thinking about) being in my pajamas, in bed with dust on my car keys. I don't have to go through long expressions about the day and what happened and where I am physically when I say that it says it all.

When the end of the road is a new begining

The mask is off. I am no longer (well at least not as much) concerned with the thoughts about my "illnesses" and people knowing. I thought it was important to keep this sunny face for everyone all the time. It's not. If someone is in your life and you have challenges ( I'm not talking about being emo) you should be able to share those things with them instead of "hiding" out. Most times when I don't feel well emotionally or physically. I just hide out - hence the recent hiatus from blogging. I was confronted with some hard realities and had to make a decision about choices I had made in the past and how they had impacted my current situation. I wanted things to be different but I was not changing me. I once told a young lady that once she moved out of town she would run into the same problems she had in the town she was in. She asked me how could I be so sure and I told her because she would be in that town and ultimately she could not get away from herself.
I learned this past week there will be some people in your life that want you to listen to them, cater to them, do for them and make them comfortable around you no matter how that makes YOU feel. ( You don't even have to have PTSD for that.) There will be some that create an environment for you which causes you to question everything you do around them without taking into consideration what they do around you. Lastly, there will be those no matter how much you do or don't do for them they will not be satisfied because they are not satisfied within themselves and they have a hunch that something is wrong but they are too selfish to think that it could be them.
Relationships are give and take. You should be adding positively or taking away in a positive manner and this should be in like the gentle waves of the ocean not a disaster of a Tsunami. I got to a point where I felt like I was kissing an enormous amount of  butt to stay in a relationship some people. I was letting them completly erase my boundaries and draw their own lines FOR ME. Ahh, it's amazing how that can happen. Now this is where I am. The road has come to an end and I have to begin a new journey using another mode of transportation and terrain. I am not leaving anyone "behind" because I would hope that others are moving as well in their own direction.  I am reminded of a song that says that I have come to far by faith... and so I have. This end is a fluid interchange of beginings and endings and now that I understand this I can go on and continue the process of life changes to improve myself and my interactions with those around me. Yes indeed I have been PTjamS'D but there is more to me than this and I am ready to discover... the more ... to me.

Difficulties for women at VA hospital facilities

Difficulties for women at VA hospital facilities

Well, now we know its not just in our minds. thanks to NPR news and Warrior Gateway for reposting NPR's findings

You are Here

A friend said that I had continuously gotten back up from disastrous situations and that I know how to “come back” from situations. But I have got to know how to maintain my life. To be able to stay above life circumstances and maintain the lifestyle that I have had in the past. I thought about this deeply. Yes, I had repeatedly come back from dire circumstances. Even ones that had no path to come back from. Each having nothing to do with anything but life and it's inherent resistances. No one thing, I thought, could have predestined me for these devastating situations. Each time I lost momentum and absconded to the bottoms of life’s continuum, I struggled and scraped to get above again. what was it that allowed me to crescendo to loss and despondency so easily after all of the toil and work which was exhausted? I don’t really “know” I have ideas and thoughts but not real answers about what happened or that I presumed to happen to me. So here I am now at multiple juxtapositions while looking back, forward and within to ascertain the correct root causes for my reflection so pardon my complexities within the simplest of notions. A diagnosis, a prognosis, treatment and support brought me here and now I begin.