Forgiveness:

Day by day I said. That is how I take the issue of forgiveness. I have both the world view and the religious view on forgiveness. I also have both on judgement as well. 

Would you serve a country with everything that you have even though that county had just recently 'given" you the legal right to be a person? Would you give a gift to a neighbor who repeatedly let their dog out that dug up your expensive plants. Could you envite to your home for holiday festivities the person who killed your only child who was enrolled to go to college this past fall? Would you? Could you? Could you see your rapist every day work with them and even serve with them during war time AND fight to defend them if they were in harms way?

See, for women and men who served in military uniform and are MST survivors it's amazing to me to even fathom forgiveness. Real forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that says I will go out of my way to make sure that you are ok, IN SPITE OF, what you did to me. I absolutely struggle with the 70 times 70 because I can not fathom being in the situation that many times and forgiving. Its hard for me. Sorry, its the truth at my present state. I am weak that way.  I have an area in me that says ok I can forgive for this and this but that over there it is too much.  My heart would like to be so kind and overlook the thousands and thousands of men and women who abused their position of authority. Willfully, purposely with intent to harm. (shudder).  I will have to revisit this later while you are waiting on me.. please read this former soldiers partial post. thanks

Living with PTSD

A Brand New Day

It's 2am a usual time for me to dust of the " ole" computer and say a few things about myself and what I am going throug. It's been more than a month and amazingly, I am still here. Could it be that I, like the many species, through adaptation, have become stronger so the uneccessary things of life won't bring me down? In a very strange way I started to think a out this process of PTSD becoming an adaptation- a mutation if you will. One that prepared and protected until a time of safety. Anyway, its not that far fetched a notion. As a matter of fact the initial biological changes are there for safety. What happens though when these devices are no longer needed and you are exhausted from all of the safety planning you have to do rechecking locks and alarms, checking children's bedrooms and windows, walking briskly, avoiding eye contact, and pretending to not "hear" people you don't know asking you questions. Yep, done them all and a few more not listed here. Well, when you get tired you can go through a process that allows you to "relearn" or learn how to NOT do these things. (smile) Right now I am in that process through counseling and CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. I know there is a stigma to seeking "help" for (whispering) mental health issues. Um, it's not communicable I can't spread "it" by touching or talking to someone nor will "it" rub off. I chose to hire a professional to help me with something I couldn't do myself. It's a brand new day for me.

PTJam'SD

Ok ok, a lot of people have been asking me what in the world PTjamS'D means. Well on a lighter note its like being "jammed" by PTSD. Slammed etc. Initially, it started out as a way for me and a sister supporter to get a good laugh. I thought about products which would be great product for me since I have PTSD we agreed that Pajamas with some type of versatility for indoor outdoor wear. etc Later on that week I was very challenged with some family and relationship issues which were making the fact that PTSD was there as well,  but much more complicated to deal with. I was in my pajama's late in the day, and struggling to get focused for an afternoon cup of "joe" (coffee for you non military types). My sister supporter was asking me to explain what I was going through and I thought about it and said it was PTjamS'D. Now when we are having a tough day if it is at all related to PTSD I usually say this. Mainly, because I can say it anywhere and it expresses very well how I am feeling, to her at least. I'm physically (or thinking about) being in my pajamas, in bed with dust on my car keys. I don't have to go through long expressions about the day and what happened and where I am physically when I say that it says it all.

Difficulties for women at VA hospital facilities

Difficulties for women at VA hospital facilities

Well, now we know its not just in our minds. thanks to NPR news and Warrior Gateway for reposting NPR's findings